October 24, 2007
October 24th, 2007
Well, I’m going running today . . . . hmmmm. (Of note – I haven’t run again. It scared my kids too much and I just couldn’t do that to them after all they had been through) Last night I met with the church board regarding a ‘statement’ to the press. It was truly a blessing, and Pastor Joel promised that any time I need them they will meet. He also told me that Chad is still my covering. Joel pulled out a piece of paper that he had put in a file. He said he had told the Lord that He’d never tell me unless I asked him – and since I asked (this was all once the board had left) he would tell me. He said Chad had left a vision for our ministry – now my ministry – in his journal.
Lord, may I never lose my heart for ministry. Oh Father, as all of this takes off, may I always bring it back to you! Please give me your eyes and your mind. Please give me a boldness to run this ministry . . . not to be run by it . . . or others. Help me to guard it carefully. Thank you for Krystn, Wendell, Gina . . . I pray that if they are not who you want working on my behalf, that you will weed them out. Lord, please give me discernment. Please give me your message. What do you want me to say?
Oh Lord! My heart hurts so badly . . . I never knew it could break this hard. I feel so alone . . . I can only imagine the aloneness Christ felt . . .
In so many ways I still feel like Chad is here. Oh Babe, I love and miss you SO much! You always said you would want me to remarry, but how on earth do I replace you? Please be working on that – just like you are working on my career.
Chad Michael – I still can feel you . . . the sweet contours of your body – your strong, defined pects and your yummy six pack. Your firm muscular legs; and I will never forget the way you made love to me. Oh Babe – why? Why did this happen! I’m so sorry we ran . . . yet, I guess it wouldn’t have mattered.
Chad Michael – you were the love of my life and ALL my dreams come true. I loved your skin, your smile, your eyes. There is no way to get through this pain except head on. Lord, please help me! Give me your words. And please, come back soon!