March 29th, 2008

Hi Friends!  So . . . . A week ago now I told you that the journal entries would be coming fast a furious.  Then I spent hours typing out a weeks worth of journals AND pre-programming them to publish.  That means that I can set the day and time for them to publish before the day and time arrive.  A very handy feature, I think.  Until late last night! 

Late last night I went to check on all those posts and realized that NONE of them had posted!  Ug!  So . . . I'll just have to post them the good, old-fashioned way until I can get my tech crew to figure this out.  Now . . . on to the first of the fast and furious journals . . .

March 29th, 2008

(Almost six months after Chad passed away)

Well, we are on the plane on the way to Florida.  It hurts to be doing all of this without my honey . . . Oh God, please show me Chad.  Maybe, right now, that meant to ‘show us your glory.’  It has been a while since I last journaled.  The past few weeks have been very painful – yet, I begin to see a bud of life within me from time to time.  Father, please bless our time in Florida.  Please protect us.  May we truly rest and have fun.  The next couple months are full with ministry – O God, I am desperate for Your vision and message – I feel the weight of having to speak and sing . . . please speak to and show me what YOUR message is right now.

The kids are really beginning to mourn – please give me the wisdom to shepherd them through this.

Now, Father, I must talk with You about the bud of new life . . . I said to Hillary – “How can I weep for one man while thinking and hoping about another?”  Lord, Last Sunday a man came to me and hugged me at church.  I can still feel his hand on my waist.  I looked and felt so pretty that day.  We had a short conversation and something just seemed ‘different’ between us.  It felt really nice.  Oh Lord, could he possibly be interested in me?  His arms feel so nice.  Please let us become friends.

Later . . .

Well, we are all settled in our condo now.  It is late and the kids have gone to bed.  I sit alone on the balcony, listening to the ocean.  I can’t help but think of Chad – remembering last year when we were in Florida.  As the kids romped in the ocean earlier I wondered where Chad is?  Can he see us?  Is he watching?  I still can’t believe he is gone.  I do feel like reality has begun to set in, and that I am beginning to adjust to the loneliness.  It really does help, I must admit, to think a bit about another man.  I am almost . . . no, I AM, embarrassed to admit.  The slight hope that I could have happiness again feels so good.  My heart aches for my babies . . . there is truth in the fact that I can and probably will find new love . . . but they never get another daddy.  Oh, God, please watch over and protect their tender hearts.  Please heal all of our breaking hearts.  And, Lord, please bring me a man who will love them like their daddy did  . . . someone who can and will love and serve not only me – but them, as well.

And finally . . . I got ‘hit on’ today . . . by a very good looking man.  I am SO not accustomed to this.  He has a

Wedding ring on, and gave me his business card – truly what a creep!  Please be with his poor wife – and please lead him to You, Lord.  Father, please protect me in this ‘hook up’ world.  I am hoping that You have a wonderful, spirit-filled, Christ-like man for me. 

I pray that this week will be blessed.  Please tell Chad I love and miss him!

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